If you identify with any of these red flags, then you have inner work to do before you are ready for a committed loving relationship. The person becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. The person lacks empathy and compassion.
This is another symptom of narcissism. If you consistently feel that you are not being told the truth, and you have not been concerned about this in other relationships, then trust your feelings. See if you can identify personally with any of these red flags.
These areas can become major battlegrounds.
17. As you read this list, don’t just focus on the other person. He or she just wants you to keep your attention on them.
2. The more you become a person who is loving to yourself and capable of sharing your love with others — rather than a person who is intent on getting love — the more you will attract someone capable of a loving relationship.
3. The person has no close friends and is not close to family.
People get together at their common level of woundedness — i.e., their common level of self-abandonment. If this person is not open to healing their judgmentalness, then this will become an increasingly major issue in your relationship.
7. But, don’t expect to be able to change the person. While this person may blame the other person for the problems, or claim that he or she has just never met the “right” person, it always takes two to create relationship problems. The person is financially irresponsible.
We all bring our unhealed wounds with us into our primary relationships, often projecting our parents or other caregivers onto our partner. But, if someone does not care about their children, then they likely have a deep problem with caring about themselves or others. Many of my very kind clients, in trying to help their partner, have been used and burned by loaning money, or by allowing their partner, who is not earning money, to live with them. Some of these items might not be deal-breakers for you; if the issue is okay with you, then there is no problem. They will change if they want to, but you can’t make them change.
13. Narcissists can be very intense in their pursuit, and many of them have learned exactly what to say to pull you in, such as, “I’ve never felt as connected with anyone else as I feel with you,” or “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Narcissists need constant attention and often become very upset and punishing if you don’t give them what they want.
15. It’s a long list, but certainly not exhaustive. I can see that no one has ever really seen you.” For many narcissists, the pursuit is everything and once they have you hooked, they are either off to another pursuit, or they become more and more demanding of you.
11. If he or she gets upset when you do your own thing, then you need to accept that it is more important to that person to control you than to care about you.
This is a person who does not love him or herself, and therefore cannot love you. The person has totally different views and values from yours in important areas such as religion or spirituality, politics, child rearing, health and nutrition.
A jealous, possessive person is a person who is very insecure. The person takes no responsibility for their own feelings.
. If this person cannot feel pain for your pain and joy for your joy, you will end up feeling very lonely in the relationship. The person participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you — smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV and so on.
16. Over the many years of working with thousands of people looking to find a committed relationship, I’ve discovered numerous red flags that may indicate future problems.
This person is a victim, blaming others for his or her feelings and circumstances. You sense that the person is not honest.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. He or she gets upset when you do your own thing.
8. You need to trust your feelings here. The person needs to be acceptable to you as he or she is. This is another narcissistic trait: the belief that only his or her feelings and opinions are valid, and that differences pose a threat.
Without an openness to learning about themselves and you when there is conflict, there is no way to resolve conflict.
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4. To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, “The Intimate Relationship Toolbox” – the first two weeks are free!
It’s not always easy to determine if someone is lying or withholding the truth. The person has abandoned his or her children.
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Again, another symptom of narcissism. The person has few interests and hobbies.
This is one of the symptoms of narcissism. That’s when you can get into relationship trouble. This person is not interested in you or your feelings. The person is not open to learning from relationship conflict.
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Abandoning one’s children — other than giving up a baby for adoption — may indicate lack of empathy.
A person with few hobbies or interests may be a person who is dependent on others for their sense of self, and may be very demanding in a relationship. This can make for a very challenging relationship.
If the person is in a lot of debt, or tries to “borrow” money from you, beware. The person talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn’t ask much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.
9. is a relationship expert, best-selling author, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette, and featured on Oprah. The person comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, and tells you exactly what you want to hear.
Again, don’t expect that you can get the person to change. The person is judgmental of self and others, talking about self and others in disparaging ways.
There is always a reason that a person has no friends and is not close with family, and the reason might be important for you to know.
12. In a relationship, this person will blame you for his or her unhappiness.
He or she tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position.
Below is a list of some of the red flags I’ve discovered. If you have a trust issue in general, then you might want to deal with your issue.
1. The person is possessive and jealous. Unless this person has had a good amount of therapy and personal growth since the last relationship, a series of broken relationships or marriages may indicate that he or she doesn’t know how to have a loving relationship.
14. The person was abused as a child and has not had therapy or done sufficient inner healing work.
5. Relationships are hard enough without dealing with conflict in these contentious areas.
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This is another symptom of narcissism. The person is an older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships, or has had numerous broken marriages.
18. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that prevent a parent from seeing their children, or a parent might come to the painful realization that it is not in the child’s best interest to be involved with them. Very often, when the person I’m working with has moved ahead with the relationship, one of these issues — which might not have seemed huge at the beginning — becomes a major problem leading to the demise of the relationship. The person becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no.